chapter i
fifty-one-fifty

what have i done? i watch the uniformed police officers escort my mother from my apartment.

"ruby! don't let them take me away!"

my head is exploding and my chest hurts. but why can't i speak?

"ruby, don't let them take me away! ruby!" mother pleads in chinese this time. whenever mother is scared, she retreats to her native tongue.

even though i know what i should be saying to my mother, the warm

even though i know what i should be saying to my mother, the warm and gentle words stay in my mind but do not cross my lips. she must realize i am doing the right thing. surely she knows i do not want to see her end up like grandmother. please don't end up like grandmother.

i try calling out, "mom, they won't hurt you," but the sounds do not come. what's happening to me? i must take deep breaths. bracing myself against the wall, i pray this is no more than another bad dream.

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mrs. nussbaum, the elderly neighbor from down the hall, steps out of her apartment. she's clutching rashi, her pekingese. "what are you doing?" she asks the officers. they do not answer her.

mrs. nussbaum looks at my mother and gasps, "oh, my god!"

i put my hand on my throat and take another deep breath. the words won't come.

"ruby, where are they taking your mother? what's wrong with you, ruby? answer me."

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mother looks over her shoulder at me. "speak up. tell these people to go away."

i must focus. the walls can't be swaying.

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turning back to the officers, mrs. nussbaum shouts, "young men, where are you taking mrs. lin?" rashi starts to yap as if to shout at the officers too. "my poor bubbele, don't be scared, i'm here" mrs. nussbaum consoles. i'm not sure whether she is speaking to her dog, to my mother or to me.

the senior of the two officers answers. "it's a fifty-one-fifty, ma' am. please don't block the hallway. everything is okay."

no. everything is far from being okay. fifty-one-fifty is a police code for someone endangering her own life.

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mrs. nussbaum, with rashi still in her arms, reluctantly retreats into her apartment. susan, the social worker, redirects my focus. "ruby, i'll go with your mom. you stay here and wait for dan. okay? ruby? can you hear me?"

through my tear-filled eyes, susan looks as if she's standing be- hind a sheet of warped glass. my head is splitting.

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"here, use the banister. your mom will be in good hands?” susan supports my elbow as we go down the four flights of stairs.

reaching the lobby, she leads me to the stone bench. "ruby, sit here and wait for dan. he'll bring the car around, but it'll be a while. we couldn't find parking out front. all right?"

i nod.

sitting here, nauseated and speechless, it seems like a disjointed dream to me, a dream that started two months ago.

by
t. leyung ryan
www.lovemadeofheart.com

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